The Agony of AG-AG!

The Agony of AG-AG (Attorney General Alberto Gonzales)...

Ye Cats, what a dilemma this man has begat himself!

Aside from the mind-numbing effects the threatened perjury charges from Patrick Leahy (D. - Vt.) would have on our entire system of law enforcement. Of course, Mr. Leahy has offered up a deadline for the AG-AG to clean up or clarify his deeds and statements. However, it seems quite clear that every sewage treatment facility in the U.S. would be needed to clean up the spillage from this gentleman's "pie"hole (errr..."lie"hole, maybe?).

Has the Jafo's "I Don't Recall" scorecard sign for AG-AG now become a list of perjury charges against him?

Can the AG-AG deftly evade the perceived perjury charges and get out of Leahy's line of fire? Or will he continue to duck, dive and dodge the questions being fired at him? Will he risk his personal freedom and libby or scooter out of this mess with a single or combined list of perjury convictions? That is to say, perjury convictions before Congress!

That we think, is the key math question. How many years of incarceration must the AG-AG be threatened with before he sings like a canary about to be dropped into a pit of red hot magma by Dr. Evil (as played by Patrick Leahy)? Don't get us confused, we don't think of the honorable Senator from Vermont in that way.

Maybe the AG-AG should get himself a good lawyer. Bill Clinton comes to mind. Oh, on second thought, he better not. See:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impeachment_of_Bill_Clinton.

A further thought, is this assault on the AG-AG's credibility without precedent? We've struggled to find a case where a previous US Attorney General has faced down perjury charges. Does anybody out there have any information on precedents to this legal history?

And where is his support from the law enforcement community? Has anyone offered themselves up to defend the AG-AG? Is it a risk anybody is willing to take, he might ask as he mops off the flop-sweat with a dirty napkin? (Suggestion: How about the firm of Duck, Dive and Dodge?)

Oh, never mind. Not even Hogan's Heroes could tunnel out of this one.

Sigh...wake up and smell the skatole.

Hilary Fights Back!

Hilary Fights Back!...

Reminiscent of a Princess Leia-like retort to one of the "Evil Empire's" henchmen (Eric Edelman), Hilary called the policymaker's comments a "spurious dodge of a serious issue". Hilary called it not only like she saw it, we believe she called it like it really is. Such was her response to an accusation that her questioning of the Iraq withdrawal plans (?) have "the effect of helping the enemy". See: Clinton strikes back at Pentagon aide. The "spurious" comments have us wondering about the administration's claim regarding the terrorist propaganda. Ummm...exactly which terrorist propaganda statement or statements are they referring to? Can anyone out there refresh our memory? If anything, this episode further highlights how contentious this and the related issues have become. Time out, please!

Eco-Terrorism in D.C.?

Are Eco-Terrorist Group(s) Creating Mayhem In D.C?....

On MSNBC (.com) we learned of a group of angry eco-terrorists (?) attacking and vandalizing a man's new Hummer (not pictured here) in the "green" part of Washington, D.C... Some (all?) of the 38-inch tires were slashed, windows broken, an "eco-friendly" note was scratched on the body's side, etc...

Is this a single organized group at work? Is D.C. going to become a center for eco-terrorism and terrorism in general? By declaring war on terrorism and having it appear in this frontyard theater-of-the-absurd, has the administration's "war on terror" failed? That is, are eco-terrorists to be put in a similar/same category as "the terrorists"? What is going to be the administration's position on this new branch of (?), violent form of terrorism?

Finally, can we now say that the "war on terror" has now hit the Homeland?

It's The Hilary Nut Cracker...No, Not Really...

It's The Hilary Clinton Nut Cracker...No, Not Really...

For more on the story, see link: http://postbulletin.com/newsmanager/templates/localnews_story.asp?z=2&a=300520.

We almost fell off of our kitchen stool when we saw this on Tucker! with "In Other News" by Willie Geist. As Tucker keeps saying whenever he talks about Hilary, we "keep crossing our legs". God help us.

It's The Hilary Nut Cracker...No, Not Really...

It's The Hilary Clinton Nut Cracker...No, Not Really...

For more on the story, see link: http://postbulletin.com/newsmanager/templates/localnews_story.asp?z=2&a=300520.

We almost fell off of our kitchen stool when we saw this on Tucker! with "In Other News" by Willie Geist. As Tucker keeps saying whenever he talks about Hilary, we "keep crossing our legs". God help us.

The (?) Yawn Heard "Round The World AND Iraq PM Tells US TO GET OUT!

The (?) Yawn Heard 'Round The World...

Yesterday (Thursday, July 12 ,2007) in a White House Press Room Briefing more notable for its style than its enthusiasm, a rather battle-weary looking George W. Bush took to the new and improved podium. In the renovated White House Press Room, the talk was not new and improved. A weary sounding George W. Bush haltingly describe our need to persist in this awful war in Iraq. The lassitude in his voice and demeanor was overwhelming.

It was notable in broadcasts on MSNBC and the BBC World News and others for its utter lack of spark and enthusiasm - the new and revised backdrop provided no inspiration. George W. was turning into Bored George. Everybody looked uncomfortable (except the beloved and venerable Helen Thomas) and were shuffling their feet. Including, perhaps, God (apologies to the Crash Test Dummies).

It was also notable for its weak defense against a largely Democratic Congress vote to pull out the troops in April 2008. Bored George said he would veto that. And then the other shoe dropped, two Republican Senators (Warner and Lugar) have now crafted an anti-war bill (see: New GOP bill challenges Bush Iraq policy).

In commentary that was gloriously, obliviously ironic, Bored George mentioned how we citizens are weary of the war and that we are weary of hearing about it. He apparently had no idea how right he was. (Not to mention his declining poll numbers, going through the basement)? Is this how the war is going to end - on a goose-down pillow of apathy? Are we just going to shrug our collective shoulders and say, "Shoulda? Coulda?
Woulda?" and shuffle away like some Emmet Kelly-like clown mopping up the blood, the rubble and the shattered lives of this now-hideously disastrous and unpopular war?

Updated: Saturday, July 14, 2007

New word developed from yesterday's post (above): Borged: (1) Presidential lassitude concerning outdated policies, and (2) speaking in bored tones or suggestive demeanor towards presidential policies, failure of same, and (3) acknowledging public weariness for same. See this entry also in our sister publication, The Anti-Zen Dictionary.

And, the word has come down from Iraq's Prime Minister (Nouri Al-Maliki) that its OK, we can get out now AND IRAQ CAN NOW HANDLE ITS OWN SECURITY. Did anybody hear him? Just get out! GET OUT!

Extreme Food Safety Penalty/Penalties in China ?...



Zheng Xiaoyu (the former head of The State of China Food and Drug Administration) has reportedly been executed for his role in bribe-taking (and other food and drug related activities) which have been giving us fits and starts here at The Handbook. We regret that China has had to take such extreme measures to punish those responsible for the crimes, but we are pleased that their government has taken the steps needed to resolve some of the problems we've been reporting on. We think it reflects well on China's attitude and determination to "beef up" and improve upon their food and drug safety standards.


For more see: China executes ex-food and drug chief and China executes ex-head of food and drug agency.


We didn't intend to report on this over today's "Super Tuesday" primaries, but we hope to get back to today's big stories by tomorrow.

7/3/07 Written On The Eve Of Independence Day "07"

"7/3/07 Written On The Eve Of Independence Day '07'" or...
"South of Heaven, North of Hell"

For the American criminals in their tendency,
No longer fear this failed presidency,
Without much thought who extends clemency,
For early come unjust independency,
To one who asked for none intentionally.

And whence came freedom instantly,
And the fourth estate howled intently,
At the repercussions of such travesty,
And beheld a liberated felon unstintingly,
And seethed at this intemperately.

No, no and shook their heads collectively in inequanimity,
On this new day of ignominy,
Fell victims to outrageous and convenient conspiracy,
Like once silent dogs brooding taciturnly,
Awakened unleashed, unchained and unnaturally.

Wailed and gnashed their teeth violently,
Like the damned in a docket constitutionally,
In crisis and scalded in politically and hotly
Roiling waters, deep and effervescently.
All screamed, all wailed at agony of injustice intently.

Where most advised went unasked quietly,
This thing, they claimed, was not done rightly,
Who knew, who cared this report on nightly
News of this imbroglio burnt so brightly,
Like coals from deepest Hell, forthrightly.

But if not whence hell came this iniquity,
Then south of heaven this must be,
Or from the western fires blazing intensity,
Or from far East, and Iraq and antiquity,
If not, from somewhere in this vicinity.

- Amen.

Tony Snow Takes On Hunter S. Thompson...

2007-07-03

Tony Snow Takes On Hunter S. Thompson...

Tony Snow Takes On Hunter S. Thompson Regarding the "Scooter" Libby Pardon...

Er...Pardon us, this posting is written before the full pardon of "Scooter" Libby.

Today (Tuesday, July 3, 2007) Tony Snow held a press conference with the White House Press Corps regarding the commutation (and eventual PARDONING) of "Scooter" Libby in the CIA Leak Grand Jury Investigation. We thought this press conference was (as usual for the Bush II Administration) insufficient and unsatisfying. A lot like the series finale episode of "The Sopranos".

With much love, affection and admiration, we called out our allegorical version of Hunter S. Thompson (the founder of Gonzo Journalism, no less) to take on Tony Snow and the Bush II administration's version of the commutation...

Thompson: Mr. Snow, thanks for meeting with me.

Snow: Not at all.

Thompson: You know, I've got to hand it to you, I haven't seen a corrupt administration handle the press corps quite like that since the Nixon administration.

Snow: Thanks...ummm...wait just a minute...you call this administration corrupt and compare us to the Nixon White House in just one question? That takes some nerve. Where do you get off?

Thompson: I get off on a lot of things, as you know. But, this - baby - takes the cake. This is the before-the-bloodbath of Grand Guignol of political bloodletting of White House corruption. This is Tricky Dicky Watergate, Iran-Contra, Teapot Dome, Tammany Hall, Lewinskygate, Whitewater, etc. all rolled into one. Phew, baby! Talk about Gonzo journalism! Just where the hell do you guys get off? How can you possibly defend the overt overthrow and usurpation of justice just to get off one of your crony henchman from a felony sentence? When I heard the press release, I bit my cigarette holder in two!!

Snow: Now, now, wait a minute here, here...(getting a little steamed). First, I think you are in error comparing this administration to the Nixon White House, the Reagan White House, the Clinton White House or any Democratic administration. This is democracy at work! The Executive Branch has the full constitutional right to give executive clemency to any deserving persons who have experienced a gross miscarriage of justice. That's just the face of it.

Thompson: No, I don't think that's the face of it...commutation of sentence is usually given after a prison sentence has been served...and a pardon is usually not accepted by the convicted person as it is still seen as an admission of guilt. That's not democracy at work...at least not the American version of it. If you pardon, and he accepts, he's going to look guilty. If you commute his sentence, he has to serve some time. Which is it going to be? Is he (pardoned) going to be the guilty albatross-wearing stooge covering up for a corrupt administration? Or is he going to be a commuted sentence convicted felon without serving one second of prison time - another corruption of our system of justice brought about by a corrupt administration? (Note: see our previous posting, "The Scooter Libby Trial(s) and Verdict(s)").

Snow: Well, you can't have your cake and eat it too. The guy was found guilty. He was sentenced. And he's going to pay a fine. And, yes, he does have to wear an albatross - but he is not a stooge. How is that corrupt?

Thompson: That's your version of it, Tony. It's corrupt because we all know his fees and fine(s) will be taken care of and he'll just keep his mouth shut about it and he won't do a nickel's worth of time. You're right on one thing you mentioned, you and your guys will probably wind up eating it. The Republican Party may never get elected back into the White House...as a matter of fact, they'll probably become as extinct as the Whigs or the Tories, thanks to you and yours! I think the nation might actually owe you and the Bush II administration a big debt of gratitude! You'll be swept out of office on a rail! You'll be a collection of political buggy whips!

Snow: No, I don't think so, you watch and see what happens next year...

Thompson: (Cell phone ringing). Holy creeping sh*t, it's Steadman. Look I have to take this. Can we get together later at the Owl Farm?

Snow: Love to. By the way, loved the funeral.Thompson: (To Steadman). Yeah, yeah, hang on a f****** minute! (To Snow): Thanks, the cancer's good?

Snow: Knock wood.

(Note: This posting originally appears in our sister publication, The Allegorist).